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Fighting myself

I've been feeling like a complete failure as a godly woman. I've read all the "right" books about what it means to glorify God as a wife and mother and feel like I always come up short. I lose my temper, get grumpy about cleaning the house, feel jealous of my husband's role, feel trapped in my house. I feel all the things that feminists scream at us about how oppressed women are, but I know that this is not what God wants for me. I know what they say is not biblical. I'm a good Reformed-type Baptist girl and I truly believe it's the devil whispering in my ear constantly all day long, making me discontent and feeding my flesh its worldly desires to grumble and complain against God and my family.

I was actually able to open my Bible this morning and I read in Titus 1:16

They profess to know God, but by their deeds they deny Him, being detestable and disobedient and worthless for any good deed.

I felt the Holy Spirit's hand heavy upon me as I read this, as the deeds of my heart can be so wicked and ungrateful, then I went further into the book and read:

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great Savior, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.

It is only by God's grace that I can love like He has loved me. It is only by God's grace that I can deny the ungodliness and worldly desires that so often seem to consume me. And while "this present age" for Paul was quite different than this present age now, I think the fundamental problems are the same. It's no surprise then, that at the beginning of chapter two of Titus the older women are to encourage the younger women to love their husbands and children--that implies that sometimes it's tough! Not because our husbands and children are difficult, but because my sinful heart is so selfish that I rebel against wanting to pour myself out for them like Jesus did.

As the family comes in the door, I hope I can practice what I've been reading...

4 comments:

Dearest friend, remember the Song of Solomon - the Shulamite woman was dark (as in sinful) but lovely. This has been taught throughout the ages as a picture of God and the church. He loves us with great passion, faults and all. We are all dark, but lovely, through God's grace. I pray that you will get a fresh infilling of his grace and joy. Let's leave judgement (including self judgement) to the judge!
XXOO

March 9, 2007 at 11:25 AM  

I just want to encourage you Julie! I used to feel that way every time I read a christian woman's book! Thankfully though, it is not about US and what we 'should' do...it's about HIM and what He is doing. In our own strength we are nothing. So when I feel like that I just say, well that's truth....I am nothing...but He Who lives within me is strong and holy and merciful. Put on some praise music, get as much sleep as you can (wow was I grumpy with my kids when I had new babies!) and read the Bible when you have time, not a Christian book that will heap expectations on you. (not that they are bad of course)

I just don't think those women write those books while THEY are going through early childhood mothering!!

And like Joann was saying, God loves us...He just does. It doesn't depend on what we do. Although living a holy life is our goal....we can never attain the expectations we put on ourselves! It is Jesus' righteousness that covers us as we live in gratitude and service. (not under compulsion, but out of love-filled, thankful hearts)

Here is my picture of us mothers meeting Jesus on that Day: We'll be on our faces, of course, but appologizing the whole time about all the Bible reading we didn't do and all the times we lost our temper, all the classes we didn't teach or services we didn't attend. But He will lift your chin and look you in the eyes and tell you how He is proud of you.....how faithful you were in raising those children to serve Him. And believe me, He knows how hard it is....it's not just your imagination or hormones....it's HARD!

{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

March 9, 2007 at 3:27 PM  

Julie,
I understand how you feel, I have felt that way too. And each time I am reminded that His mercies are new every morning...Thank goodness He is merciful even when we are so hard on ourselves!
Alida

March 13, 2007 at 8:12 AM  

Hi, I'm new to the Pastor's Wives Blogs and Sites, and making my way down the list.

Don't worry about being perfect, just worry about your next decision, taking 1 step at a time, and doing your best with that! :0)

Blessings!
~Sharon

March 14, 2007 at 5:32 AM  

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